Monday, May 24, 2010

Must read new rules of company,a joke?

Dear Employee:





As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,


we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.





Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early


retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who


represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older


personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will


be placed into effect immediately.





This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).


Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for


jobs outside the company.





SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records


before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the


program is called SCREW.





SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All


employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with


upper management.





This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following


Termination) .





Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,


SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems


appropriate.





If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled


to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early


Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).





As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has


received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the


company.





Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board


that the company will continue its policy of training employees


through our:





Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount


of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more ****


than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not


receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.





Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the


**** you can stand.





And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Must read new rules of company,a joke?
A little long but it sure sounds like some policies I have seen before
Reply:very good! but very long
Reply:good one especially about the special high intensity training
Reply:Funny, name a company that actually cares for there employees, dont think there is one, We need to post this at our place of employment...Too Funny!!
Reply:umm cunning but not laugh out loud funny


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